There’s this guy coming up named Mike Fontana and his tae kwan do is fucking vicious. He’s the most dangerous man in Bergen county, and when people see him walking they go to the other side of the street. I saw him get some 6 foot 5 guy in a chokehold and he was seconds away from taking his life. Fontana is a badass believe me! 

This is my favorite song right now. Jamie, pull this up

Dude... dude, I gotta tell you about this TikTok I saw. This guy, uh... he calls himself "Beer Man" and... Jesus Christ, where do I even start? Like, where do I even BEGIN with this?
So I'm scrolling through TikTok, right? Which is... that's a whole other conversation about Chinese data collection, but whatever... and I see this video of this guy in what I can only assume... and I'm not even kidding here... is supposed to be a superhero costume. But it looks like... have you ever been to a Spirit Halloween store? You know those stores that pop up in October in old RadioShacks? It looks like he raided one of those during a blackout. I'm talking bright yellow cape that's clearly... and this is what gets me... it's clearly just a bedsheet with safety pins. SAFETY PINS, Jamie.
And his mask? Oh my God, his mask is just swimming goggles. Swimming goggles! With electrical tape around them. It's like... it's like if Batman decided to become a competitive swimmer but also had a brain injury. You know what I mean?
But here's the thing... here's what really gets me about this whole situation... the costume isn't even the worst part. The WORST part... and I cannot stress this enough... is how seriously he takes himself. This dude does this entrance where he literally kicks down his own bedroom door... you can see his mom's family photos on the wall behind him, Jamie, his MOM'S photos... and he goes "BEER MAN IS HERE!"
And his voice! His voice sounds like... you know how Christian Bale does the Batman voice? It sounds like that, but if Batman had been chain-smoking Marlboro Reds since he was twelve years old. It's entirely possible this guy has never heard his own voice played back to him.
But here's what kills me about TikTok, right? These videos are like 15 seconds long, but somehow... SOMEHOW this maniac manages to cram more insanity into 15 seconds than most people put into entire documentaries.
So he's got this 15-second video where he's supposed to be reviewing beer, and he pulls out what is clearly... and you can see the label, Jamie... it's clearly a Bud Light that he's poured into a wine glass. But he's only got 15 seconds, so he has to speed-run through his entire terrible performance.
"I'm detecting notes of... hopeful optimism," he says, dead serious, about BUDWEISER. And then... and this happens in like 3 seconds... he takes a sip and makes this face like he just achieved enlightenment, but it looks more like someone who accidentally bit into a lemon while getting a colonoscopy.
And the TikTok algorithm! The algorithm is showing this to MILLIONS of people. Millions! There are kids watching this thinking this is what beer expertise looks like. It's entirely possible we're witnessing the dumbing down of an entire generation's understanding of fermented beverages.
But wait... it gets worse. Because TikTok has this duet feature, right? So now there are OTHER people making response videos, and half of them think he's serious! They're genuinely asking for beer recommendations from a guy who thinks Bud Light has "notes of possibility with undertones of regret

AI voice and video generator for Joe Rogan. Male, 50 years old, kind of deep voice

Joe Rogan AI Voice

AI voice and video generator for Joe Rogan. Male, 50 years old, kind of deep voice

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